Kenshino

2005-04-23T02:58:00.000+08:00

Ah, it seems that I've been putting up too many posts about me being upset and stuff. Well, I guess its time for happy things. The sad days are over!!!!!!

Yeah. I wish. To fuck with that.

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There ain't so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

People just care about themselves too much. Everyone is guilty of that.
People are selfish.
I feel toyed and used. Wonder why.
I guess I shouldn't be staying up till this time because it sets me thinking. Or maybe I want it this way? Souka na.....

.....

2005-04-20T02:31:00.000+08:00

Crap. She suddenly appeared during the campfire, well, staying there would make me remember things so i went to the back and spent the rest of the time talking to some ex-guides who are now Scouts.

Then there was this girl who was injured. Bleh, so long story cut short, first aid was done on her and I saw that she was injured as well. I contemplated. Though it was really awkard, I went for it and helped her patch up the wound. It reminded me of the same scenario in the past though in way different situations now. Just when I thought I was on the starting point towards recovery, I get sent back to the shitty times again. Great, I'm beginning to think that I won't get out of this.

I realised that when you're really unhapppy. Sure.. you may laugh at things when things are funny.. you may have fun but after all that, you revert back to your original mood. It is like a default setting. It's much better than having people having to ask you if you're okay all the time when it's damn obvious that you're not.

The worst thing is... the way she put things... I think I'm the one who caused everything to turn bad. He, the protaganist says all I guess?

I'm hoping that when Poly starts, things will be better for me.

And to whoever thinking of reprimanding me or advising me at the tagboard over there... Give up on that idea. I know what should be done, but there is a big gap between knowing and being able to do it. Ah, and I wish she would do very well in her studies ^^

2005-04-17T03:15:00.000+08:00

I keep telling myself to be happy. But the truth is, I am not happy without her. Sometimes I can lie to myself and actually think that it's possible. But the moment I see her, I get slapped back into reality.

And please, laughing does not mean I'm being happy.

2005-04-15T02:06:00.000+08:00

There should be a reset switch on everyone. When you feel things are going wrong and you're powerless to stop or change it. Reset. Sometimes there are mistakes which are just..just too big. There are obstacles which are way to wide and tall to cross. There are red lights which never turn green.

Flashbacks

2005-04-07T23:00:00.000+08:00

Staying at home wasn't a good choice, the room reminded me of her, the computer reminded me of her.

So I went out, ba crap, Jurong reminded me of her, bustops reminded me of her, bus numbers reminded me of her and even the seats.

Someone up there is definitely having fun toying with my life.

2005-04-05T15:38:00.000+08:00

KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME

2005-04-02T02:32:00.000+08:00

Have been staring at the computer for hours now doing nothing but randomly clicking on folders.
Can't sleep, not interested in gaming.

Was supposed to test Scouts Standard and Advanced Standard. But my body was there and my soul was elsewhere, kept stammering and spacing out.

Contemplating on quiting being asl, I think the more I see her, the more i need her. Impossible task to accomplish.

My dreams for scouting ends here.

.......

2005-04-01T16:46:00.000+08:00

Trapped in a vicious circle.

Pain wouldn't go away

Hmmmm

2005-03-27T03:07:00.000+08:00

Recently designed a web for a manga scanlation group.
It's at www.inanemanga.com

Used pink as the main colour for that site.
And today Hao jun contacted me and asked if I'd design a site for his company...

Meh.. Don't feel like doing it, just losing interest in what I do.

I think, it's true to what someone said, if we ever get back together, I'll throw a party X_X

Luckily I only feel shitty at night. Going out everyday is a smart choice.

2005-03-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

I hope Poly starts soon so I can get my mind off her.

I'm posted to Ngee Ann ICT, course of my choice.
I've decided. I will work 200% harder than others and be God there.

I must get the $2000 scholarship per year.
I must pass my Japanese module with flying colours.
I will take JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) 4,3,2,1 outside.
I must be the top of the class and the entire school.

I will work hard, harder than I do in Scouting for myself and to show her that I'm not some slacking idiot.

Gym

2005-03-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

Crap. Went to Gym and I'm aching all over.

Think I made things worse between me and her, she's angry and wouldn't reply....

Buying laptop tomorrow but I somehow don't seem as excited as I should be.

Fuck/

2005-03-14T04:10:00.000+08:00

I want to talk to her.
She's talked to me.
But it's just so different.
I don't know what to say anymore.
I'm don't want to be pressuring her.
But at the same time, I want her to know how I feel.

This is all just so fucked up.
I feel so shitty at home and there's no one who understands.
She could...she could...if she was around.

Does anyone know how it feels, when you have things to say...your achievements...your woes.. or just when you need someone to fill up the gap in your heart..and you find nobody.

2005-03-13T00:52:00.000+08:00

loneliness is the pain of the soul, one with no soul doesn't feel pain, and one with no loneliness has no soul.

2005-03-07T22:54:00.000+08:00

Fuck, I can't stand it anymore.
I just want my moment of peace at home.
BUT NO, she has to come find me and argue for NO REASON.
And it's always about the same few things, she has to BITCH at me.
I keep telling myself to try to be nice to her, but BIG OLD MOM HAS TO MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME.
One day I'll go mad.

2005-03-05T20:17:00.000+08:00

Can sense she doesn't want to talk to me.
Hai.... I'm just being stupid.

2005-03-04T04:32:00.000+08:00

Not so happy anymore.
I want to talk to her. I need her.
Things just feel so empty without her.
I don't like it this way but I can't help it.
I don't need advices, I give them to others myself. I need divine help.

Happy

2005-02-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

Today is the happiest day of my life since November!

First, I did okay for O-levels. WEEE. I'm pretty much sure of getting into Ngee Ann School of ICT.

I'm so excited about Poly life. It all seems to suit me so well.

Second, the HAPPIEST THING, much better than the o-levels stuff.

SHE SMSED ME. Words can't express my happiness.

2005-02-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

Sigh, I hoped that she would wish me Good luck for the results.

But that was too much probably.

2005-02-22T05:10:00.000+08:00

Forgetting someone is not as easy as I've thought.
I used to give advices like "Forget him, he's not worth it", "You can find better guys".
I've just realised, that was really bullshit.

I've been trying to, each time to stop thinking about her.
It's always so coincedental, when someone says gui gui, when someone says guides, when someone says anything remotely connected to her, it just links up like a steel chain.
I try throwing in random thoughts, rubbish, numbers, equations, pictures. Hell, I've even tried punching myself. Nothing works.

I still have this bear hanging on my handphone. It's broken but still I keep it. I had this letter 'F' on my phone, it broke, but I refuse to remove what remains of it - A string.

I wondered if she still hung the same toy on her handphone. But I never bothered to find out. I didn't want to know. Yet I accidentally saw yesterday. I knew she wouldn't have it anymore but still I held on to this hope. I am such a dumbass.

The worst memories are the happy ones. Because I know that it won't happen again.

Illusion

2005-02-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

You're the one who set it up now you're the one to make it stop.

I'm the one who's feeling lost right now.

Now you want me to forget, every little thing you said.

But there's something left in my head.

2005-02-19T02:45:00.000+08:00

I hate it when some self righteous dick comes to tell me to get along with my family.

God damn it, if I could, I wouldn't have struggled these few years.

If those pieces of shit would switch places with me for a day, they'll get reality smacked right in their faces.

Night again

2005-02-10T04:31:00.000+08:00

Sigh... Slowly but surely I'm losing interest in whatever I do.
Everything was interesting when she was around, even taking bus rides were fun.

Night

2005-02-08T02:02:00.000+08:00

Every night I think of her, it just comes back, no matter what I may be doing.
Someone says that people tend to get emotional at night, I guess so.
Just today, I suddenly remembered the first time I sent her home, we weren't together then but I was really really happy.
I think I understand why I stay up till 3 or 4 each night even if there is no one around, if I cannot get her back, at least I still can cherish the memories.
I wonder what she's upset with though. I want to share her pain =/
If blue is the colour to sadness, then I'm dark blue now

Boo

2005-02-06T14:03:00.000+08:00

Okay, helping people does really pay nothing back.
Sure the one you helped may think you're a hero but then 10 other people would call you an asshole, a bad example and a busybody.
For bringing friends to a campfire, I'm dubbed an asshole.
For trying to add some fun to your junior's camp, by allowing them to have trustfall, I'm being called as a person who sets a bad example.
Few things that they do not understand.
I am ASL, their proposal must be approved by me.
When I say trustfall is okay, it means that I first approve it, then i convince Mr shen...which never fails.
Reason, to keep their camp fun and exciting and not become a dull camp bounded by rules.

I shall mind my own business next time.

Stab

2005-02-03T01:27:00.000+08:00

A stab in the heart is when the girl you love most, still staying true to says all men are fake.
Like an axe to your conviction. Like a dagger to your feelings.

Fuckers

2005-01-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

Earth will be so much a better place of some people will just DIE

Wtf Sick again

2005-01-29T21:07:00.000+08:00

Okay, fucking sick again.
Coughing make my lungs pain.
Fever of 38.7 and rising.
No doctor, feel so weak
Sucskcskckscks

Adsf

2005-01-27T01:21:00.000+08:00

Problems problems problems.

No one to turn to. No one to talk to. No one who understands.

Breaking down soon

Late

2005-01-24T04:19:00.000+08:00

I tried and I failed, though I didn't try hard enough, I can guess the ending.

Just a recent thought, I think, whoever doesn't cherish his/her other half.. should

DIE
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Oh and being nice gets you NOWHERE. Be harsh.

Imagine how irritating it must be, trying to cheer someone up, cracking dumb jokes that you yourself won't laugh at, only to be repaid with the words like 'idiot' and so on.
Imagine that you're truly concerned about someone, you see him/her not eating so you try in all ways to encourage that person to eat. Then you are again repaid with words of malice.
Imagine that you're trying to be friendly, you do not want to be seem as a person of high rank/status, a person of arrogance. You try to be friendly, but even sec 3 kids say that you're childish. You know you're not, they are the ones but you can't say. That would defeat the purpose.
Imagine, the only thing you are proud of. The only thing. What you're proud of is constantly being insulted by your own parent. They do not understand and it is too hard to make them do so. You keep quiet.
You go to work. You see people that have problems. In order for them to get off without scoldings. You help them. However, in the end, you end up doing lots more because they see you as a sucker. You get off the last.
You try your best to make everyone happy, people who are sad, people who have problems. You try to solve them. You try to help. But when you are riddled with problems, no one cares, no one thinks for you. You are alone.
A person you love appears, you two got together. Everything goes well... ha. for awhile. And then all hell breaks loose. You can sacrifice anything for this person. But this person cannot. You try giving in more then and it just gets worst. Your temper is obviously bad. But towards that person, you are unbelievably nice. But it is not two ways. You wait, and you wait. For an answer, that was promised. But it seems that that person never thought about it. You have never doubted that person, but that person doubts you.
You get backstabbed often because you trust people too much.

If you belong to the above categories, you are being nice to others and harsh on yourself. That is dumb.

Birthday

2005-01-17T01:14:00.000+08:00

Went out on Sat to celebrate Xin Miao's birthday. But before that me and Weini went to watch Meet The Fockers. We err had to get Melvin to help buy one ticket cause they wanted us to produce two ICs.

Then phew, luckily they didn't check when we went in.

Weini laugh till siao, and she seemed to like the dog humping Einstein =X

Then we went to marina Bay eat steamboat. i ate alot of cockles... again muhahaha

Dark

2005-01-13T02:27:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHA.

Weini is scared of the dark.

Amen.

Look

2005-01-12T11:09:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, forgot to mention about something that happened during the campfire night.

I was sitting on the long table in Macdonalds. Part of the table were occupied by the ex-guides Adeline, Kelly and Xin Le.

So I was eating happily and then suddenly Shi Jia stand up and say to me something like Scouts are useless. Knowing her she was just saying that to disturb me. So I just say Huh? And then the 3 dumb ex guides repeated it for her. So I just smile and say Huh? again.

Then they repeated it the second time. This time I smile and say Oh. If scouts are useless, then I reckon guides are much worst. LOL, so I gave them a glance and saw the looks on their faces, they were so bloody shocked. It was priceless. Knowing that one of them crys easily, so I just said, just joking, don't say things like that.

Oh and I didn't mean what I said but still the look on their faces was funny =X Especially since one of them gave me so much shit

Scouts

2005-01-10T01:45:00.000+08:00

Went back to help the Scouts with the Campfire.

Talked to Mr Sim and asked to become ASL ( Assistant Scout Leader ).
Thought I had to give a long ass speech to why I want to come back but he agreeded to help me apply quite easily.

I was with the Scouts and tried not to scold people especially the new Sec 4s but I got pissed off =X

The Principal praised me and talk to me for like 10 mins. lol I was amazed. Maybe she isn't that bad afterall. Oh and Mrs Joseph did it too.

The teachers seem to treat you 10x better after you graduate =X

Shagged

2004-12-31T01:15:00.000+08:00

Had my SEc 2 class outing yesterday and it was fun ^^.

Today, went out with vinod for awhile and he went to elsewhere and I went to Woodlands.

Then met weini and we went to Bugis and Orchard.

My legs are dead =X

Training

2004-12-28T01:46:00.000+08:00

Went for hotel training today.

LOL, okay, at least the manager and the people are all nice.

Boxer's Day

2004-12-26T23:52:00.000+08:00

Stayed overnight at Adrian's house yesterday and woke up at about 10.

After that we went to eat.

Met weini and shopped for awhile then went to ROD.

ROD was okay ^^

Crap, I feel as if I'm getting sick again =/

Christmas

2004-12-25T23:40:00.000+08:00

Went out with Eileen today.

Watched a movie then met weini and vinod.

Bought presents for weini and vinod.

ATM missing 120 dollars.

Crap.

Trying to stay awake at 26th, 3 am =/

My Date With A Vampire 3

2004-12-23T02:07:00.000+08:00

I've just finished watching the series My Date With A Vampire 3.

Could have finished watching last sunday but kind of didn' t want the show to end so fast.

Anyway My Date With A Vampire 3, as in chinese 我和殭屍有個約會Ⅲ之永恆國度 is a really awesome show.

Whoever wants to watch it and can get 9 discs, I'll burn it for you.

36 Episodes in all.

Job

2004-12-20T17:09:00.000+08:00

Woot, hotel people called me today again.

Told me to go book scheldue for work on next monday.

This week must go out have funnnnnn

Cough

2004-12-18T03:51:00.000+08:00

Crap, one week. Cough won't go away.

Bought stronger medicine still doesn't work !$@#^%$@^@$^

....

2004-12-15T02:50:00.000+08:00

Meh. This sucks.

I was bored and browsed every site I had an account on.

And then I saw something.

Now I feel shitty all over again. .........

14th

2004-12-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

14th.

Went out with Weini and Eileen.

Walked around town then went to Bugis.

Bought a wireless router and card.

Used the atm card again.

Atm card emptying =/

Oh yes and I won Daytona today!!!!!!!!

And the hotel ppl called me today. seems like I will get the job afterall.

5.80 on weekdays and 6.00 on weekends per hour. Great $$

Badminton

2004-12-14T22:01:00.000+08:00

Was to sick to write yesterday crap =/

Went to play Badminton with a fever of 38.5 degrees celcius.

pro =X

There were uhh Xin Miao, & 10 yr old cousin, Weini, Vinod.

I was getting exhausted after every match =X

And my atm card emptying~

Fever

2004-12-12T07:19:00.000+08:00

Fuck.

Fever 38.3. I feel the shittiest ever.

Church

2004-12-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

Eh. went to meet Xin Miao at coffee bean.

Then we go church.

Uhh... ya =/

!_!

2004-12-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

Watched Blade Trinity today.

It was above average. Worth watching but nothing spectacular.

Went to meet Weini after that, played the guitar and we go eatttttttttt.

YOSHINOYA

Eileen came along lolololol.

Then Daytona. Lost. Weini win. !_!

Crap

2004-12-08T23:17:00.000+08:00

Had a really nice day today.

But it was not nice to a person I'm concerned about.

Fucking angry. Some guys are just @%@#@^@!.

Tired

2004-12-07T01:19:00.000+08:00

Meh. Only slept 2 hours yesterday and went out the whole day today.

Weini tells me to write more.

So we went bowling today - Xin Miao + 10 yr old cousin Samuel, WeiNi, Vinod, me and Syahair or what's his name. Eileen came later on.

Was fun but met this snooby kid, got pissed off.

After that me WeiNi and vinod went to woodlands. ate. got pissed off, god damn surgery, can't eat anything properyl.

Then we sent her home.

Meh, something happened and I got really pissed off, well could have been worse but bleh.

So got home at 12.

Oh and Weini was practically drooling at Eileen cause she says that Eileen is so hot ( new hair cut and nice clothes ), nice figure. !_!

Bored

2004-12-06T04:18:00.000+08:00

Mehhhh, so bored.

Going out later.

Whoever reads my blog and knows how to play Igo or Weiqi, PLAY WITH ME.

I'm desperate for players.

��芥�Ｕ�喋�颯�胯�艾�扼�潦�桃��

Soon to be Rich

2004-12-02T21:48:00.000+08:00

AHaha just made ATM card.

Used to use my mom's one and it was so budget =X

MUHAHAH hope i get the sushi job AHAH

ok.

Ehhh

2004-11-23T18:41:00.000+08:00

Boredom. !_!

Soon

2004-11-17T18:47:00.000+08:00

Sara give me nice present ^^

Left chemistry paper

!_!

Finished

2004-11-16T09:43:00.000+08:00

Okay, finished this blog while talking to Vinod.

History exam in 4 hours. But not studying, no mood !_!

Things to do after O-levels

Continue learning Japanese
Continue playing the Guitar